How "Breaking the Cycle" Can Cause Suffering

If you talk to therapy-minded folks about what matters most, ‘breaking the cycle’ of poor parenting is often a cherished goal – as it should be. Dreaming of being a better parent and causing less suffering for our kids than our parents caused for us is a beautiful and noble thing. After all, many of us can identify the scars that our parents’ failures have left on our lives.

What's hard, however, is acknowledging that it's more-or-less inevitable we'll cause similar scars for our own kids. Not maliciously, but by virtue of being human.

Underneath the desire to 'break the cycle' are frequently veiled perfectionism and magical thinking. Somewhere in the minds of many people is the belief that “If I work hard enough in therapy and become a perfect parent, I won't ever make my kids suffer or negatively impact their lives.”

Do not get it twisted. Abuse and neglect are condemnable, and being a great parent is a dream worth striving for. But the guarantee that you will be a perfect parent is a rigid fantasy. It sets us up for psychological collapse when we inevitably lose patience with a son or daughter who is, by any reasonable standard, genuinely being an asshole. It's equally delusional to believe your kid will somehow be the exception – that they won't hit other kids, call you fat, or throw their spaghetti on the floor to test your reaction.

For many, the covert self-expectation underneath 'breaking the cycle’ is being a 24/7 Zen-Monk-Parent. Infinitely patient, infinitely compassionate, and constantly present and attuned to their kids. This unrealistic standard is itself the thing that will cause us suffering when we – as flawed humans – fall short of our ideals.

Even the Buddha – a symbol of psychological and emotional enlightenment – abandoned his infant son to pursue spiritual liberation. You shouted at your kid to be quiet after thirty consecutive minutes of screaming on a twelve-day road trip. 99% of adults would. How do you even scream for that long? Did God send you here just to piss me off?

There is a wide gap between being a good enough parent and actively neglecting or abusing your child. In fact, a good enough parent models being a realistic – flawed – adult by owning up to mistakes and apologizing for them. Such ownership challenges the belief that parents – or anyone – can be infallible and sets kids up for the real world.

Perhaps another reason to cling to this magical thinking is an unwillingness to accept the suffering our parents caused us. In accepting that we can’t be perfect, we are forced to accept that our parents couldn’t have been either, and thus forced to take responsibility for our own suffering rather than conveniently blaming them.

It's harder to accept ourselves and others as flawed in this way than it is to daydream about how wonderful everything will be once we finally 'break the cycle.’ Perhaps that difficulty is a hint of the true work. The work of acceptance: of our flawed selves, of the suffering we will inevitably cause those closest to us, and of the suffering those closest to us have caused us.

Take a breath and forgive yourself. Apologize for losing your patience, repair the relationship, and remind yourself that you’re trying your best. Breaking the cycle is an aspirational goal, not a pass-fail grade. The literal Buddha would be considered a deadbeat by modern standards. You're allowed to lose your patience without being a bad person.

Want some help doing the work? Neurofeedback can help you become more regulated, and psychotherapy can help you repair relationships when they inevitably fall into disharmony.